Elayne Savage's Articles and Tips

By its nature putting oneself 'out there' involves the possibility of rejection. And rejection hurts.

When I'm about to begin a new creative project, something holds me back. It's especially challenging when writing is involved. What a struggle it was to put out the first edition of my e-letter, 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

Each time I challenge myself, I learn fascinating things about my relationship to Fear.

I drag my feet. Every diversion that comes along sidetracks me. I even find myself sorting through stacks of papers and cleaning out file cabinets.

Why is starting a new project so difficult? Something is interfering, displacing anticipation, and eclipsing hope. Then I recognize the intruder.

The Fear Team comes roaring onto the field led by The Fear of
Rejection and its evil twin, the Fear of Failure. They're joined by the Fear of Success and the Fear of Being Visible.

Warming up on the sidelines are the Fear of Disappointment and the Fear of Judgment and Criticism.

Make no mistake about it, however. Fear of Rejection is the team leader, the foundation for all the other Fears.

I hear voices in the background and stop to listen. The Fear Team brought along a rooting section. Well, that's OK. I can muster up my own pep squad.

Both sides try to out-shout each other: "You can't do it! You can't do it!" answered by "Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"

"I have lots to say on this subject!" "You have nothing to say!" "Lots!" "Nothing!" "Lots!" "Nothing!"

Opposing voices swirl around in my head. Conflicting emotion skirmish with one another.

It's time to sort things out. It's too hard to see options through this haze of confusion. When we're unable to make choices, we feel stuck. And when we're so immobilized, making choices becomes even more difficult.

This exhausting tug-of-war between the voices is ambivalence. It involves the presence of simultaneously conflicting thoughts, ideas or feelings.

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate' or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent feelings and thoughts.

When your internal voices start skirmishing with one another, this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes freezing up, becoming immobilized. This degree of ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these competing voices. Wouldn't you rather put your energy into something more creative?

1 - Honor both voices by giving them a chance to be heard. When you only listen to one voice you are rejecting the other.

2 - Name That Fear. Can you name the Fear that is immobilizing you? This allows you to see it differently and recognize possible options.

If I put myself "out there" it would mean ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean _____________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

4 - Approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it 'walking alongside yourself.' Step back enough to recognize when you are starting down that old path of doubt and fear.

5 - Then, ask yourself, "Do I want to continue down this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to go down a different road."

Ambivalence is often influenced by the messages we hear in our early years. And I was running smack into a wall of these childhood messages:

You, too, may have memories of admonitions received from parents, teachers, or peers. In the last twenty-five years, I've heard hundreds of poignant stories from my counseling and consulting clients.

To complicate things even more, these warnings can be unspoken family messages passed down from generation to generation.

Warnings like these are rejecting messages. They discount, dismiss and diminish. Over time we interpret these warnings as "Be careful." Caution like this isn't conducive to exploring new directions or writing first issues of newsletters.

Putting something in writing - committing words to paper or computer screen -- has always been a struggle. Even writing thank-you notes or notes of appreciation is difficult and gets delayed far too long.

Recently I confided my difficulty in putting words to paper to a few people. To my amazement there was immediate recognition.

"Yes!" each affirmed, "This is a huge problem. Putting words down for others to see feels like I'm making a commitment." And, they added, "I thought I was the only one with this problem."

I thought this was MY fear, MY incapacity, MY paralysis. I guess I'm not alone. Putting words on paper brings up all kinds of fears.

It may be Fear of Rejection or Failure or Success for some. It may be Fear of Visibility or Disappointment or Judgment for others. It may be all of them.

When conflicting ideas lead to uncertainty and confusion, calling a "time-out" with yourself lets you step away and sort things out. As you understand your fear and ambivalence, you can see your options more clearly.

The voices of MY Fear Team are more subdued. They still try to taunt me, but I pay little attention:

I'm discovering who I am as I go through the process of facing these kinds of challenges.

My byline ("by Elayne Savage, Ph.D."),
A live link to my website when possible: www.queenofrejection.com
And the following biographical information:
"Elayne Savage, Ph.D., is a professional speaker, workplace coach, psychotherapist, and the author of BREATHING ROOM-CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE and DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION. She lives in Berkeley, CA and can be contacted through her website www.queenofrejection.com"

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